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MY GIRLFRIEND FOUND MY NERD PORN STASH

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It was like a perfect nightmare scenario. I came into my bedroom to find her standing there, the evidence strewn about her, undeniable proof of my dirty secret. I’d kept them hidden for so long, the things I shamefully stashed away and pleasured myself to when no one was around… but now here I was, busted red handed with it.

I tried to reason with her, suggesting we all have strange little turn-ons that are too weird to tell anyone about in the harsh light of day. But the sheer size and volume of my stash tipped the scales. So she just stood there, looking hurt and confused, two storage containers vomiting all their profane material all over the floor: the complete Lord of the Rings DVD trilogy, a stack of Wolverine comics a foot high, a detailed bust of Iron Man with light-up eyes. And staring up at her from the carpet, a pristine statuette of Han Solo, mid-blaster shot (and looking pretty magnificent, if I do say).

I love that statuette. Oh, the pleasure it has brought me over the years. But how could she understand, this woman with the Catholic upbringing and stodgy taste in fiction? She who had found the new Star Trek, “unrealistic,” and “pandering.” Unrealistic? She would never understand… but that didn’t make the look on her face any less humiliating – a mix of disgust and pity, mingled with disappointment.

And that wasn’t all. With fresh horror it dawned on me that I didn’t remember to clear my browser cache, and once she had found the Batman novelties and Battlestar souvenirs, she went straight for the hard drive. And, of course, all my fetish sites were listed there: TheOneRing.net, Dark Horizons, the Stargate fan page…

I tried to turn it around. I put on my seductive smile, cooed a little bit. ‘Come on baby,’ I said. ‘Just give it a try – a lot of couples are into it. Let’s just give it a shot, we’ll go slow, and if you don’t like it, we’ll stop. I’ll play the first 15 minutes of ‘Aliens vs. Predator,’ and if you aren’t comfortable, we’ll just do it regular, and watch Letterman.’

She called me, “a little twisted with all of this,” and mumbled something about her mother being right, but I wasn’t willing to give up, and within three days I was warming her back up. I started out easy, with ‘The Princess Bride,’ and left an extra copy of a magazine with Viggo Mortensen on the cover lying around the place. Lastly, I resorted to that gateway drug for all female fantasy haters – a rented copy of ‘Twilight.’ The hook was set. I bought her the book, and not two weeks later I was able to talk openly about the Hulk (both comics and movie) without reprimand, followed closely by an animated conversation about the upcoming Hobbit films.

When she actually said the words ‘Peter Jackson,’ my penis stood up a little, and the goal, I suddenly knew, was to complete the ultimate conquest: to get her into a replica of the Princess Leia bikini from ‘Jedi,’ and screw the bejesus out of her.

The course wouldn’t be easy. First I’d actually have to get her to watch the film, and then introduce the notion of role-play into our sex routine. Simple was best, I knew, and I offered to do my Christopher Walken impression while feeling her up just to get things off the ground. I asked her to do Marilyn’s ‘Happy Birthday’ seduction from the Kennedy years, and I think it was my spot-on JFK accent that sealed the deal. Last would be the costume…

Ebay is a wonderful thing. You can get a stuffed, mounted moose head from Alaska, and you can get finely-crafted faux-metal bras and panties from a fanboy in Scandinavia. And, more to the point, with the exposure of your nerd-porn, a few months work and a little persistence, you can get your girlfriend to pretend to be your love slave on a replica Tattooine slave barge and screw her ‘til the Jawas come home.

(by Haphestus Foster – Artist: Liva Rutmane)

ART, FREE ADVICE

BE BEAT: TALK LIKE A BOHEMIAN HIPSTER

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Plenty of phrases from the first self-described hipster generation have lasted into modern conversation: people still get bent out of shape, annoying people bug us and muscular guys are still built, just to scan the b-words. Here are 26 words and phrases that don’t get much use today, but are worth sneaking into conversation.

1. A shape in a drape
A well-dressed person. “Usually she just wears jeans, but she sure is a shape in a drape in that dress.”

2. Bright disease
To know too much. “He has bright disease. Make sure he doesn’t rat us out.”

3. Claws sharp
Being well-informed on a number of subjects. “Reading Mental Floss keeps your claws sharp.”

4. Dixie fried
Drunk. “It’s Friday and the eagle flies tonight. Let’s go get dixie fried.”

5. Everything plus
Better than good-looking. “He wasn’t just built, he was everything plus.”

6. Focus your audio
Listen carefully. “Shut your trap and focus your audio. This is important.”

7. Gin mill cowboy
A bar regular. (A gin mill is a bar.) “Cliff Clavin was the _flossiest gin mill cowboy of all time.”

8. Hanging paper
Paying with forged checks. “I hope that chick who stole my purse last week goes to jail for hanging paper.”

9. Interviewing your brains
Thinking. “I can see you’re interviewing your brains, so I’ll leave you alone.”

10. Jungled up
Having a place to live, or specific living arrangements. “All I know is that he’s jungled up with that guy he met at the gin mill last month.”

11. Know your groceries
To be aware, or to do things well. (Similar to Douglas Adams’ “know where your towel is.”) “You can’t give a TED Talk on something unless you really know your groceries.”

12. Lead sled
A car, specifically one that would now be considered a classic model. “His parents gave him their old lead sled for his sixteenth birthday.”

13. Mason-Dixon line
Anywhere out of bounds, especially regarding personal space. “Keep your hands above the Mason-Dixon line, thanks.”

14. Noodle it out
Think it through. “You don’t have to make a decision right now. Noodle it out and call me back.”

15. Off the cob
Corny. “Okay, some of this old Beat slang is kinda off the cob.”

16. Pearl diver
A person who washes dishes. “I’m just a pearl diver at a greasy spoon, but it’s a job.”

17. Quail hunting
Picking up chicks. “I’m going quail hunting and you’re my wingman.”

18. Red onion
A hole in the wall; a really crappy bar. “I thought we were going somewhere nice but he just took me to the red onion on the corner.”

19. Slated for crashville
Out of control. “That girl’s been in college for five minutes and is already slated for crashville.”

20. Threw babies out of the balcony
A big success; interchangeable with “went down a storm.” “I was afraid the party would suck, but it threw babies out of the balcony.”

21. Used-to-be
An ex, a person you used to date. “I ran into my used-to-be in Kroger’s and I looked terrible.”

22. Varicose alley
The runway in a strip club. “Stay in school or you’ll be strutting varicose alley, girls.”

23. Ways like a mowing machine
An agricultural metaphor for impressive sexual technique, from the song “She’s a Hum Dinger” by Buddy Jones. “She’s long, she’s tall / She’s a handsome queen / She’s got ways like a mowing machine.” (Let us know if any of you ever successfully pull this one off in conversation.)

24. X-ray eyes
To understand something, to see through confusion. “That guy is so smart. He’s got x-ray eyes.”

25. Yard
A thousand dollars. “Yeah, it’s nice, but rent is half a yard a week. Let’s jungle up somewhere else.”

26. Zonk on the head
A bad thing. “It stormed all night and we lost power, but the real zonk on the head was when hail broke the bedroom window.”

These were collected from Straight From the Fridge, Dad: A Dictionary of Hipster Slang by Max Décharné and A Historical Dictionary of American Slang. The first is exceptional in its completeness and worth purchasing if you love dictionaries, and the second is free online and easily searchable. Try them both!

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