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HOW TO START A RELIGION FOR FUN AND PROFIT IN 10 EASY STEPS

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  1. Report that you have been visited or inspired by a “Divine Being(s)” or an extraterrestrial philosopher who revealed to you, personally and privately, an Omniscient, Omnipresent, Omnipotent, Omnivorous, Omni-Nom-Nom-Nom Big Spirit or Spirits who claim responsibility for having created the god-awful mess we call The Universe.
  2. Swear under pain of death that the Big Spirit or Spirits is/are THE ONLY source of Eternal Life, Mystery, Power, Creation, Love, Beauty, Equality, Joy, Peace, Benevolence, Bliss, etc., etc..
  3. Give your Big Spirit(s) and/or philosophy an impressive sounding name and add the suffix “-anity” or “-ism” or “-ology”.  Examples: The Big Bubba, Omnomnomnom, Zoultron, etc..  Examples: Prescient Eschatology, Powerism, Blissanity, etc..
  4. Write one or more “sacred” books espousing the mythology that you allege has been revealed to you about the origin and/or characteristics of the ONLY Big Spirit(s) and an esoteric philosophy about your personal feelings and opinions about life, universes and sex.  And, don’t forget to have a graphic design artist draw up some complex and esoteric symbols to add a sense of authentic antiquity to reinforce your mythos.
  5. Recruit a bunch of soulless human begins who lead pathetic, hopeless, confused lives and who are gullible enough to think that spiritual qualities exist in the physical universe.  Explain that your Big Spirit will not point out to them that they are the cause of their own misery due to stupidity, irresponsibility, greed, duplicity, lust, etc..  Now you are armed with the necessary propaganda needed to indoctrinate, frighten or coerce  them into becoming “Con-verts”.  (Human beings will believe almost anything if they think it will give them a way to escape responsibility for their own thoughts and actions!)
  6. Designate the most perverted, pathetic, duplicitous, holier-than-thou “Con-verts” to become  priests or “Pre-verts”.  The job of the “Pre-verts” is to create more “Con-verts” by frightening and brow-beating innocent by-standers into buying and reading your “sacred” book(s).
  7. Have your “Pre-verts” promise the most gullible “Con-verts”, who are not aware that there is absolutely no hope of anything except pain, misery, agony, death and betrayal on Earth, that when they fanatically agree with the tenants of your philosophy they will be transported to a “Paradisiacal Afterlife”, provided that they PAY a lot MORE money to the “Pre-verts” who will “intercede” on their behalf with the Big Spirit(s) to guarantee that they will receive permission to continue living forever as a Ghost in the Paradisiacal Afterlife when they die.
  8. Have the Pre-verts tell the Con-verts that they are the ONLY people who really know “The Truth” because the Big Spirit(s) have “chosen” them to be one of the very few members of “The Secret Society of The Only Ones Who Really Know The Truth and Everyone Else Is Evil”.  And, tell them that if they ever stop “believing” they will suddenly become “Evil” and be barred from the  Paradisiacal Afterlife forever, and ever!  Do NOT explain what and where the Paradisiacal Afterlife will be.  Let them use their own imaginations and keep them guessing.
  9. Take some of your profits and use it to pay the “Pre-verts” to build massive and beautifully extravagant temples, gold statues, shrines, monuments, etc., in tribute to the philosopher who thought up the Big Spirit. And, make it the job of the “Pre-verts” to write beautiful rhetoric, music, chants, rituals, incantations, sacrificial ceremonies, etc., to get the gullible “Con-verts” to come and give them MORE money.  (People always pay for glitz and glamour.)
  10. Open one or more off-shore bank accounts and pay the government officials to give you exemption from paying taxes as a “non-profit”, benevolent, do-gooder, organization.  Use some of the money to hire the best attorneys money can buy and pay off government officials to defend yourself from legal actions brought against you by former “Con-verts” for all the fraud, theft, sexual molestation, etc., perpetrated by your “Pre-verts”. Take the rest of your profits and live a life of ease and luxury until you die, get another body, and start all over again as a “believer” in a Big Spirit(s) that someone else invented.

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 Text Copyrighted by Lawrence R. Spencer 2011

Image Copyrighted by Joe Fenton.  All Rights Reserved.

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WHO ARE THE REAL VAMPIRES?

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A Vampire is an Immortal Spiritual Being.  He or she cannot die.  Yet, they cannot inhabit a living human body either.  They are conceived to be dependent on beings who inhabit living bodies.  Vampires worship and covet  human bodies.  Their depraved state of being includes the notion that “only beings who have a body can have a real life”.  The idea that a disembodied spirit needs to drink the blood of a living human in order to have energy and longevity is part of the mythology about Spiritual Beings invented by priests attempting to frighten people away from disembodied spirits! PRIESTS do not want people to communicate with spirits!  If you communicated with spirits directly, like gods and ghosts, priests would lose their power, wealth and control over you!

Of course, an Immortal Spirit is Immortal with or without a body.  Learn more about how to live without a body in my book:  1,001 Things To Do While You’re Dead.

  Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu.

 

READ MORE ABOUT VAMPIRES ON WIKIPEDIA.ORG:

Tales of supernatural beings consuming the blood or flesh of the living have been found in nearly every culture around the world for many centuries. Today, we would associate these entities with vampires, but in ancient times, the term vampire did not exist; blood drinking and similar activities were attributed to demons or spirits who would eat flesh and drink blood; even the Devil was considered synonymous with the vampire. Almost every nation has associated blood drinking with some kind of revenant or demon, or in some cases a deity.

Ancient Greek and Roman mythology described the Empusae, the Lamia,and the Striges. Over time the first two terms became general words to describe witches and demons respectively. They were described as having the bodies of crows or birds in general, and were later incorporated into Roman mythology as strix, a kind of nocturnal bird that fed on human flesh and blood.

Vampires are mythological or folkloric beings who subsist by feeding on the life essence (generally in the form of blood) of living creatures, regardless of whether they are undead or a living person/being.Although vampiric entities have been recorded in many cultures, and may go back to “prehistoric times”,the term vampire was not popularized until the early 18th century, after an influx of vampire superstition into Western Europe from areas where vampire legends were frequent, such as the Balkans and Eastern Europe, although local variants were also known by different names, such as vrykolakas in Greece and strigoi in Romania. This increased level of vampire superstition in Europe led to mass hysteria and in some cases resulted in corpses actually being staked and people being accused of vampirism.

While even folkloric vampires of the Balkans and Eastern Europe had a wide range of appearance ranging from nearly human to bloated rotting corpses, it was interpretation of the vampire by the Christian Church and the success of vampire literature, namely John Polidori‘s 1819 novella The Vampyre that established the archetype of charismatic and sophisticated vampire; it is arguably the most influential vampire work of the early 19th century, inspiring such works as Varney the Vampire and eventually Dracula. The Vampyre was itself based on Lord Byron‘s unfinished story “Fragment of a Novel,  published in 1819.

However, it is Bram Stoker‘s 1897 novel Dracula that is remembered as the quintessential vampire novel and which provided the basis of modern vampire fiction. Dracula drew on earlier mythologies of werewolves and similar legendary demons and “was to voice the anxieties of an age”, and the “fears of late Victorian patriarchy“.The success of this book spawned a distinctive vampire genre, still popular in the 21st century, with books, films, video games, and television shows.