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# 583   —  OPERATE AN ORACLE SHRINE

“An oracle is a spirit considered to be a source of wise counsel or prophetic opinion, predictions of the future, inspired by the gods. Oracles were portals through which the gods spoke directly to man.

There are a few easy steps to opening your own oracle temple.

1) find a location. This could be a cave, a temple, a shrine, a mountain top or any other place that seems “holy”.

2) hire a priestess to intercede between you and the supplicant.

3) train the priestess to listen to you and interpret your thoughts perfectly so she can relay them without alteration. After all, you don’t want your wisdom and good advice to be ruined by a bad translator.

4) have the priestess burn some incense.

5) advertise in the “personals” columns or put 3 X 5 index cards on bulletin boards in Laundromats with the following announcement:

“I, _________, (your name) the “great god (your name)” will be making predictions and precognitions at the (oracle temple location) between the hours of (evenings and week-ends are best) for the low, introductory offering price of ( a sheep, a goat, a bowl of grain, a basket of fruit, etc.).”

Then, sit back and get ready to hand out free advice to the teaming throngs.

Of course, if you can do some magic tricks or heal a few crippled people, this will help get your ratings up.  The good buzz about you will spread quickly.

Soon your name and your temple will be revered throughout the realm for thousands of years to come, or until it is outlawed and destroyed by a bunch of greedy, holier-than-thou priests.”

— Excerpt from the book 1001 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU’RE DEAD, by Lawrence R. Spencer