Category Archives: 1001 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU’RE DEAD

# 583 — OPERATE AN ORACLE SHRINE

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# 583   —  OPERATE AN ORACLE SHRINE

“An oracle is a spirit considered to be a source of wise counsel or prophetic opinion, predictions of the future, inspired by the gods. Oracles were portals through which the gods spoke directly to man.

There are a few easy steps to opening your own oracle temple.

1) find a location. This could be a cave, a temple, a shrine, a mountain top or any other place that seems “holy”.

2) hire a priestess to intercede between you and the supplicant.

3) train the priestess to listen to you and interpret your thoughts perfectly so she can relay them without alteration. After all, you don’t want your wisdom and good advice to be ruined by a bad translator.

4) have the priestess burn some incense.

5) advertise in the “personals” columns or put 3 X 5 index cards on bulletin boards in Laundromats with the following announcement:

“I, _________, (your name) the “great god (your name)” will be making predictions and precognitions at the (oracle temple location) between the hours of (evenings and week-ends are best) for the low, introductory offering price of ( a sheep, a goat, a bowl of grain, a basket of fruit, etc.).”

Then, sit back and get ready to hand out free advice to the teaming throngs.

Of course, if you can do some magic tricks or heal a few crippled people, this will help get your ratings up.  The good buzz about you will spread quickly.

Soon your name and your temple will be revered throughout the realm for thousands of years to come, or until it is outlawed and destroyed by a bunch of greedy, holier-than-thou priests.”

— Excerpt from the book 1001 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU’RE DEAD, by Lawrence R. Spencer

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A BEST FRIEND

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FRIENDLY ADVICEThe older my body gets (almost 70) I become more aware of the ancient adage: “Life is short”.  Indeed, it seems so.  What is a single lifetime in the order of the cosmos?  Less than a blink of an eye .  Through eternity there is only one companion, as far as I know.  Yourself.  If we find being alone difficult, without friends, we may have a very long time to endure existence without others to keep us distracted from ourselves in the “great beyond”, whatever that may be.  So, being our own best friend makes good sense.

MORE THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU’RE DEAD

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# 879   BE A ZOMBIE.

“To do this you will need to go back to Earth, find a grave with a partially decomposed corpse and re-animate it. If you can do this successfully you will make Dr. Frankenstein very proud of you! You can also get a lot of acting jobs in Hollywood movies.

Of course, re-animation of dead tissue has been the ages old quest of mad scientists, priests, theologians, laboratory technicians, research biologists, Voodoo witch doctors, alchemists, and cryogenics preservation services.

The only reason it hasn’t been done before is because no self-respecting spirit will go anywhere near a decomposing body. Gross! And, of course, only a spiritual being can animate or re-animate anything.

Many, many credible people have been pronounced “medically dead” on an operating table by the most learned scientists. They cannot explain how or why the person suddenly sits up on the table and says, “I heard you guys talking about me while I was hovering above my body near the ceiling. I decided to come back because there are still a few things I would like to get done in this life”.

Another observation that has been repeatedly and continually overlooked by scientists, in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, is that the physical universe did not just “create itself” in a spontaneous,  primordial explosion of energy and matter. And, gods forbid that we embarrass them by asking the obvious question, “where did that energy and matter come from before it just decided to explode all by itself?”

One can certainly understand and applaud the scientific pendulum swing away from religious dogma and superstition toward empirical evidence, data analysis, experimentation and rational observation during the past few hundred years.

However, we may have gone too far toward the opposite extreme by denying the spirit and the obvious volition that a spiritual entity has as the source of animation we call life.

So far science has not animated a single molecule of inanimate matter.”