Category Archives: 1001 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU’RE DEAD

1001 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU'RE DEAD, INSIDE THE BOOK, LIVES, READING MATTER

Excerpts from “1001 Things to do while you’re dead”

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1001 Things to do while you're deadEXCERPTS FROM THE BOOK:

“1001 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU’RE DEAD: A Dead Person’s Guide to Living” by Lawrence R. Spencer

AVOID YOUR FUNERAL.

If you are squeamish about autopsies, embalming,  funeral piers, cremation incinerators, worms, bugs or bacteria you may want to stay away until all that messy, bad smelling business is over and done.

However, funeral directors have become quite masterful, over the past 5,000 years, at making a dead body look as good, or better, than it looked when it was alive. A little formaldehyde, a few strategic injections, a little stuffing, nice clothes, cosmetics, a wig and a comfy, silk-lined coffin, your used body can look better than ever!

This is a good reason to stay away as you may be enticed to start thinking about going back. Obviously, it’s too late. Factually, you never were a body and you definitely are not a body now. So stay focused. The future is where the rest of your life will be lived!

PRACTICE BEING CUTE.

If you attended your own funeral you are probably suffering from the loss of having a body. More important, you may be thinking that you don’t really have any identity or personality without having a body. How will anyone recognize you without your body?

Fortunately, bodies are a nickel a million. Five babies are born every second.  So, should you succumb to the ungodly urge to get a new baby body in order to feel a sense of personal identity, you will need to practice being cute.

The only reason people have babies – and keep them – is because they think babies are cute. The same principle applies to all living creatures. So, brush up on looking cute, making cute sounds, doing cute mannerisms, cute smiles, cute laughs, etc..  You’ll need to have your cute skills in top form when and if you get a new body.

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1001 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU'RE DEAD, INSIDE THE BOOK

1001 Things To Do While You’re Dead (#359 and #360)

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1001_cover# 359 — GO TO HEAVEN.

This may be far more complicated that it sounds as there are hundreds, if not thousands, of definitions of “heaven” among the current citizens of Earth, not to mention the religions and mythology of extinct cultures.

Confusion, conflict and contradictions notwithstanding, let us assume that if you have managed the make it through your ordeal so far this may be your next move. In case there really is a “heaven”, go ahead and go there. You can always come back later if you don’t like it. (By the way, if you find out where heaven is, try to send us a sign.)

However, if it turns out that heaven is just a state of mind, don’t bother…we’ll find out when we die. Of course, by then, it will be too late. Either way, it won’t be your fault or your problem. We’re all responsible for our own Destiny…or not.

# 360 — GO TO HELL.

If you really do go to heaven it might turn out to be really boring.

Who could actually stand to live in a place that is eternally “nice”. Really…. Besides, chances are pretty good that you did enough “bad” stuff during your life on Earth that “they” won’t let you “in” to heaven anyway.

Besides, there may not actually be any heaven. So, if this turns of to be the situation, then what do you have to lose? However, if “hell” isn’t a “place” either, then you may have to go searching for it. If the only place you can find is Earth you have arrived. Welcome back, asshole!

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— Excerpt from the book “1001 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU’RE DEAD”, by Lawrence R. Spencer

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